Therapists frequently talk of something known as “love addiction,” where a man or woman craves the feeling of fulfillment and validation that comes from being in a relationship, no matter how destructive. Although love dependency isn’t a legitimate diagnosis, scientific literature highlights the complex relationship between the want for love and validation, early childhood trauma, and substance use disorders.
Traumatic childhood experiences form our understanding of the world for the rest of our lives. Childhood trauma is no longer confined to violent trauma, like sexual abuse, physical abuse, or neglect. However, it Could result from having a mother and father who have not been loving caregivers, or who failed to give validation at vital moments in a child’s life. This can set up a near-pathological want to seek unconditional love and affection. At one level, this search for love stems from an inability to improve a healthful and internalized feel of self-worth in childhood. Severe and unwarranted criticism over the years is sufficient to throw off a person’s potential to believe in themselves, resulting in internalized messages of powerlessness, not being excellent sufficient, or no longer being safe. As a result, any feeling of value or real worth in adulthood becomes defined solely through the relationship with different people.
Often, humans who experience complicated trauma in their early familial relationships unconsciously try to recreate that dynamic. They may become concerned in relationships that mimic the early terrible experiences they had with an unavailable or probably emotional or physically abusive partner. It’s almost as if they favor recreating the circumstances of the early experience so they can have a possibility to restore it and experience the unconditional love that was missing in the first relationship.
Love addiction is like gambling addiction.
Some individuals approach relationship choices at a very aware level, saying, “Oh, I want a partner who gets my adrenaline going, in any other case it is boring.” That has a lot to do with familiarity – individuals who grow up with chaos or emotional instability can grow the feel as their norm, which can affect what they are trying to find in future relationships and leave them possibly self-sabotaging potential healthful relationships as it falls out of what they expect. Ironically, their unhealthy relationships create a feeling of safety. It is now not special to have conversations with those in these conditions who speak about how though potentially unsafe in reality, a poisonous relationship turns into familiar, and something familiar is much less frightening than something secure however unknown or not skilled before.
The “high” from “love addiction” is very similar to what we see in gambling addiction, which is constructed around variable reinforcement. The relationship, which once begins in a honeymoon-like state, devolves to mainly poor interactions. Then, BAM! There is one positive experience that seems to make up for all the unfavorable ones. It’s like making a lucky pull on a slot machine, a massive rush that makes you neglect that when you add everything up, you’re losing money. That is one of the strongest kinds of reinforcements, and it contributes to maintaining individuals in unhealthy relationships, chasing the rush they get from intermittent and unpredictable good reinforcement.
Our boundaries impact our choices.
Our boundaries with others directly impact how we are handled by others in our relationships. People who go through love dependency frequently never developed a wholesome set of boundaries between themselves and others in close, private relationships. This is specifically actual If dad and mom or guardians didn’t model healthful boundaries, have been continually fighting or triangulating their baby into the role of mediator, affecting the grown child’s ability to understand what needs to be expected from a healthful relationship.
There are two kinds of unhealthy boundaries that we frequently explore in treatment. One kind of boundary holds others at a distance, due to the fact it helps them experience safety and protection and minimizes the potential for conflict. The price of this type of boundary is that individuals do not sense connectedness in their relationships. They are lonely and lack the help that could come from a warmer, greater emotionally intimate relationship.
Simply put, if you are continually pushing individuals away emotionally, it is truly difficult to have an intimate relationship.
The other person would possibly feel neglected, or they would possibly feel that you’re keeping yourself closed off. When the relationship breaks up, it serves as a reinforcement for all these bad messages that have been internalized: “I’m no longer lovable, and I have to do what it takes to find love.”
The second kind of unhealthy boundary is a fused or codependent boundary, where an individual is like a sponge and soaks up their partner’s identity. People who have fused themselves with their partner are extra probable to accept negative treatment in a relationship and anxious about what would take place if they don’t. It would possibly appear like they value their romantic partner above themselves. While they can sense connection, they forget about caring for themselves. They may additionally no longer even know what they value or prioritize due to the fact they have ended up so enmeshed with the other person.
It’s not uncommon for individuals to jump from one boundary fashion to another. In one relationship, they may hold themselves apart, defending themselves. Their next relationship would possibly have them shifting to the other extreme, turning into absolutely absorbed by their partner’s identity.
In counseling, we try to assist individuals to recognize the pattern of their choices. While the last distance in a relationship would possibly once have served an adaptive purpose, this response comes at a cost. Likewise, an individual enmeshed in a relationship may additionally not recognize he/she is experiencing abuse due to the fact they’re just so grateful that their partner “loves” them. Often, though, it isn’t until there’s a significant private toll that individuals turn out to be motivated to see their relationship patterns.
Trauma, love and substance use
Many individuals turn to substance use to self-medicate and avoid the mood signs and symptoms that come with trauma. The painful experiences and terrible feedback that had been once said to them play over and over in their head. Patients said they use substances to cope. In substance use disorder treatment, we instruct that avoidance gives strength to the emotions and ideas being avoided.
When you try to lock the pain away, it would possibly be out of sight however it’s not out of mind.
Using substances to disconnect from the pain doesn’t change the fact that these experiences still happened. Eventually, if left unaddressed, it influences the way you relate to yourself and others.
Are you in an unhealthy relationship?
Every relationship seeks its very own equilibrium, and what works for one couple may appear odd for another. But how can you tell if your relationship is genuinely unhealthy for you? What can you do?
Awareness is the first step. We can not change something if we are not aware that it is there. Nothing’s perfect, and any relationship is going to have its ups and downs. However, it is essential that individuals can be their true selves in a relationship and that all communication is kind and respectful.
If you consider your relationship and discover that the difficulties outweigh the positives, I encourage you to take steps to probe this further. You can begin by searching at how your previous experiences have formed your current relationship. You may also have developed a set of conditioned, automated responses that interfere with your capacity to strengthen an authentic relationship.
If you’re concerned about relationship choices, I advise undertaking this evaluation with therapeutic support. A trauma-informed counselor can assist you to unravel the previous securely and figure out how it influences your current relationship dynamics. If you try to do this on your own, you can also get caught up in bad internal communication that doesn’t help your growth and may want to even drive substance use. With the same caution, couples counseling may additionally not be the proper choice for you relying on the dynamics of the relationship. If there is current abuse, it may additionally serve you better to search for a clinician to have preliminary conversations about the troubles and figure out how to safely proceed from there.
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